Some of the least fun we’ve ever had is when we’ve had the most alcohol. You know it's true.
So why do we treat anyone who declares they don’t drink with the same degree of incomprehension you’d apply to someone who’s just told you they'd rather not have their feet?
We asked eight sober young Britons to tell us the strangest and most annoying things they regularly hear from drinkers. Here’s what they had to say…
“I’m drunk. Can you help me get home?”
“If you don’t drink, you’re automatically a cab-driver,” one man told us.
Others revealed that, since giving up the old wobbly juice, they’d noticed things about their drunken compatriots that had previously passed them by.
“Girls wee in the street,” one solemn-faced young woman shared with us.
Another woman said, “Your breath stinks, your spit is all over my face and you’re trying to touch me up. Get away from me.”
“I’m not going to drink then.”
“It’s that guilt trip thing that they do, you know?” exclaimed one man.
“They just sit there not having fun and then they blame you for that,” agreed another woman.
“Is it a religious thing?”
Just because you don’t spend every Sunday morning bent in the prayer position over your bathroom toilet, doesn’t mean you’re sober on religious grounds.
“Oh my God, I get this all the time," said one man. "I’m just lucky I don’t have a beard. People are always asking me if I’m Muslim, or a Protestant from the 1600s.”
Some people, believe it or not, just don’t like alcohol. I know. Take all the time you need to digest that.
“You must smoke a lot of weed then.”
“It’s like people don’t want you to have that clean-living life,” one woman suggested.
Either that, or, "They think I’m a total health freak. Like, ‘you just eat vegetables and do yoga, don’t you?’” said one woman.
“Oh go on, just a little one.”
Why does everyone turn into Mrs Doyle on a night out? ‘Gwarn, gwarn, gwarn!'
One young man, who had struggled with alcohol before, told us, “People say to me, ‘You’ll get to the point where you can have one’,” he said. “And I’m like, no, you really don’t understand the nature of addiction!”
“Maybe you shouldn’t come to the pub with us.”
“I’m invited to things less since going sober. People assume that you wouldn’t want to go when actually you just don't want to drink,” one fella told us.
“I have drifted away from some of my close childhood friends because I don’t drink,” another man added.
“What if I want to just have a lemonade??” asked a third man.
“But why don’t you drink?”
When people just don’t want to believe.
“People are so suspicious,” one man explained.
“One – because I don’t want to kill my liver. Two – I don’t want to make a fool of myself. Three – if I had saved all the money that I spent during all those years of drinking, I could afford to buy a small planet by now!” another fella added.
Another man told us about a new discovery he'd made since giving up alcohol: Sunday morning!
“It’s like, oh my God, the weekend’s so long now. You can do so much,” he said.
Dry doesn’t mean boring. And Sundays can be enjoyable. Honestly, try it out sometime.
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